Supporting someone in their grief requires sensitivity and compassion. Many common phrases intended to comfort can inadvertently deepen the pain. Let’s explore what not to say when someone is mourning a loss.
Clichés
Clichés can trivialize the depth of someone’s grief, such as saying, “They’re in a better place now.” These words, though well-intentioned, can feel dismissive to the bereaved. Instead, offer a listening ear or a simple acknowledgment of their pain.
Rushing
“You should be over it by now,” imposes a timeline on someone else’s healing journey. Grief has no standard duration; it varies widely among individuals. It’s more supportive to recognize their right to grieve at their own pace.
Comparisons
Saying, “I know how you feel, I lost my dog last year,” can come across as equating losses that might feel incomparable to the grieving person. Each loss is deeply personal and unique. Acknowledging the specific nature of their loss shows genuine empathy and respect.
At Least
Beginning a sentence with “At least” tends to undermine the gravity of what the grieving person is feeling. Phrases like, “At least they had a long life,” can sound like you’re glossing over their pain. Validating their feelings without qualifying them helps the bereaved feel understood.
Blame
“Should have” statements can evoke guilt and regret, such as “You should have visited more often.” These remarks can lead to unnecessary self-blame. It’s kinder to focus on the bereaved’s current feelings rather than past actions.
Judgments
“Are you still upset about that?” trivializes ongoing grief. Grief can resurface with intensity, even years after a loss. It’s more supportive to recognize that grief can be a long-term process.
Fixing
Trying to fix their feelings by saying, “You need to get out more,” can seem insensitive. Grief is a deeply personal experience that doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all solution. Listening is often more helpful than offering unsolicited advice.
Anecdotes
Resist sharing your own grief stories unless asked. This can shift focus from their needs to your experiences. It’s important to keep the bereaved person’s feelings and experiences at the center of the conversation.
Pressure
“How long until you’re back to normal?” implies that there’s an endpoint to their grief. Recovery from grief isn’t linear and doesn’t result in a return to normal. It’s more sensitive to acknowledge their new reality.
Insensitive
Avoid saying, “It could have been worse,” which can seem to rank their pain against hypothetical worse scenarios. This can feel dismissive and insensitive. Each person’s pain is valid and significant on its own terms.
Beliefs
Statements like, “It was God’s plan,” can be problematic if their beliefs do not align with this view. Spiritual beliefs are deeply personal, and assuming alignment can feel intrusive. It’s respectful to let the bereaved express their own beliefs or doubts.
Don’t Push
Asking for details of the death can be invasive and painful. Many people need to share in their own time and way. It’s best to allow them to open up about specifics when, and if, they feel ready.
Blaming
“You’ll feel guilty if you don’t…” places undue pressure on someone to act in their grief. This can amplify feelings of guilt during an already vulnerable time. Encouragement should be gentle and free of expectations.
Platitudes
Saying, “Time heals all wounds,” can be an oversimplification of the complex nature of grief. While time may lessen the intensity of pain, the scars can remain impactful. A more thoughtful approach is to offer continued support over time.
Positivity
“You have so much to be thankful for” can make them feel guilty for grieving. It’s important to allow space for both gratitude and sorrow in their experiences. Balancing acknowledgment of their pain with gentle positivity is more supportive.
Prompting
Statements like, “Let me know if you need anything,” can be too vague to be helpful. Many grieving people don’t know what they need or are hesitant to ask for specific help. Offering specific forms of help can be more effective.
Normalcy
“Let’s get things back to normal,” can feel overwhelming to someone who’s world has dramatically changed. It’s more considerate to support them in finding a new normal at their own pace. Recognizing that life may never feel the same is crucial.
Distraction
Suggesting they keep busy to avoid thinking about their loss can invalidate their need to fully experience their grief. It’s important to support their right to face their emotions head-on. Guiding them gently through their feelings can be more helpful than diverting them.
Assumptions
“You’ll find someone new” or “You can have another child” can be extraordinarily painful to hear. These statements can imply that profound losses are easily replaceable. Recognizing the irreplaceability of loved ones honors the depth of the grief experienced.
Dismissal
“It’s just part of life,” while technically true, can feel dismissive when someone is in acute pain. Acknowledging the specific and significant impact of their loss validates their unique experience. It’s more compassionate to emphasize understanding over rationalization.
